December 15, 2019
“Long post alert it’s okay if you TLDR it lol!
This is not a warm and fuzzy year in review post, nor is it a soapbox or a chance for me to scream victim, but social media does a great job of projecting picture-perfect lives and I know I’m not alone with the thoughts I’m about to share!”
First and foremost I love all my friends and family and the people that are in my life, I truly cherish all of you! With that being said when I make broad statements like I had no one or I didn’t have any support know that it is not meant to offend you but it’s how I felt at the times I reference!”
This last year was one of the hardest years while also being one of the most rewarding, I don’t think I’m alone when I say 2019 wore me the F out!
2019 felt like it was the last decade rolled into one year. With 10 year challenges, 5 year plans coming and going, gaining people and losing more, watching children grow, learning new things, forgetting old things, new wrinkles from smiles and laughter, new aches from not standing still, and some hopes and dreams fulfilled some crushed and some rewritten!
I’ve had this thought in my head for a long time that’s been my voice of reason and my hope that I was getting closer to “getting my shit together” that since 2010 if I can make it through the next ten years I’d cross the finish line of the war that has waged inside of me so 2020 is that finish line for me, and this is me dragging my beaten down broken mind, body, and soul across the finish line.
You see 10 years ago I was only a year into my marriage, a new father, then I got seriously sick, then I lost my career job while being the sole provider, moved 650 miles from everyone and everything I knew, then I got divorced. I was riding high in April and shot down in May.
My world fell apart and I was devastated and I got to a very bad place in life where I convinced myself that I didn’t deserve success (insert the countless career failures over the last decade), I didn’t deserve love (insert the toxic relationships and situations I stayed in to find something in a place where love would never live anyway) and lastly, I didn’t deserve happiness ( insert the start and stops I’ve encountered over the last 10 years: feeling great and getting in shape… heart attacks and strokes from fluke and or rare causes, thyroid surgery, multiple heart surgeries, years of solitude in a city where I had little support and knew almost no one, moving back in with my family in my 30’s, feeling lost then found and nope lost again)
The echo has been louder than ever this year and over the last 3 years, I’ve shed the notion that I don’t deserve success, love, or happiness and replaced those thoughts with this unbelievable sense of pride in myself.
I celebrate the little things now and when I have a big victory there is enough happiness to last for the year. This mind shift had put me in the driver’s seat for my future. It’s been the voice telling me this time is going to be different, it’s been the vision that’s made dreaming turn into setting goals that turn into creating action plans that turn into doing it not just talking about it, it’s been my little girl calling me her hero and believing her, it’s been stopping to smell the roses and then getting serenaded by a flock of birds.
So with my best Barbara Walters impression “This is 2020!”
Fuck a New Years’ resolution, this is a proclamation!!!!!
2020 will be The year, decade, and a new beginning of clarity and vision (you SEE what I did there (and there!!!!)), A New Hope, No more merely surviving but striving!, A time to share my Passions and gifts with the world, it’s time to abandon negativity and negative self-talk and cherish myself for who I am, time to live boldly, laugh harder, love fiercely, and navigate this thing called life with the wind at my back and the sun on the horizon because we have a whole lot of new days ahead and I am choosing to move on from the ones that held me captive for a decade.
Here’s to health, love, happiness, and success to all of you today and every day going forward!
I love you all and I’m looking forward to the memories that are yet to be made!
Find out more of my story here: